Life is good with happy gorillas, not so much with evil clowns under your bed.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Sometimes I'm just "Chronic"

I hate that I told myself that I MUST stay positive and find humor in my medical struggles. Right now, I HATE rheumatoid arthritis (see that, didn't even give it the proper capitalization.....take THAT ya stupid rotten disease) and I HATE chronic kidney stones and infections. You two rotten diseases just suck.

You keep hurting me and hurting me and hurting me and I just keep on going, ignoring you, and working around you as best I can.

I try to beat you at your own game, I make jokes about it, I laugh and smile and I don't let you keep me from doing most of the things I want to do.

But the fact of the matter is that you've already won, because there is no way that I can strike back. There is no way I can hurt you. You've already won, because no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard my doctors try, we can't stop you. So no matter how well I am doing, you are still doing your victory dance in my organs and in my joints.

We can't stop you.

You've already won.

So now really all my life is about how I handle defeat. Normally I'm doing my best to stay positive, to laugh and joke and enjoy the world.

But some nights I sit here and the enormity of it hits me.

And I break down.

I cry. I cry until my face stings. I run my hands through my hair, and throw away the handfuls of hair that I'm losing thanks to the drugs that are keeping you down. Then I cry more, maybe sob into my pillow a bit.

The enormity of what I HAVE lost hits me, and I let it take over for a bit.

Tomorrow I'll be back to my usual self. But tonight I will cry, I'll let RA and LPHS think they've broken my spirit. I'm human, not super-human, after all. Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow I'm going to Target with all three kids.....yeah, I guarantee there will be Facebook Fodder by noon EST.

So this is your night, RA and LPHS....enjoy.....

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